Cure for the Hiccups
by Carcaohtar
Summary: On the quest for the Sunflower Samurai, Mugen must face his worst enemy ever... hiccups. Will he ever be cured, or will Jin's home remedies kill him first? Some minor swearing.
1. Mugen's Hiccups of DOOM

CHAPTER ONE:

Mugen's Hiccups of Doom! DOOOOOOOOOM!

Fuu was getting worried.

She was worried because of Mugen, who'd been having outbursts lately. Not his normal violent ones that ended with them running from a mob bearing torches and pitchforks; Fuu could handle angry mobs. The outbursts Mugen was having right now… well, they were much, much worse.

"_Hic._"

Yes, hiccups. He'd had them for nearly seven hours and wouldn't stop laughing and it was really getting on her nerves.

And speaking of nerves she was starting to think they'd NEVER find the sunflower samurai and that she'd been really stupid to go on the quest in the first place and bring the two along with her, because they hadn't helped her a bit, except to occasionally rescue her from hostage situations, and most of the hostage situations probably wouldn't have happened if they had been paying attention to her from the start.

"Stop it!" she yelled finally at Mugen. She'd been dying to for hours. He was giggling stupidly and hiccupping; even Jin was smiling, like the hiccups were such a big joke.

"S-sorry, Fuu," he said. "_Hic_." He put his hand over his mouth; his eyes filled with tears of laughter and he shook. Fuu wanted to smack him. "_Hic_… hee hee hee… _hic_… hee hee hee_…hic_."

Fuu clamped her hands over her ears. _Why_, she thought miserably. _Why, why, why, why?_

"_HIC_."

"Can't you hiccup quieter?" she asked.

"N—_hic—_no." He giggled like a hyena.

"Jin! Make him stop!"

"I would if I could," said Jin, with a barely contained smile on his face.

Fuu fell behind the other two and pouted. Jin and Mugen, she felt, had been against her more and more often. They were such different people; she'd never thought they could possibly form such a strong bond against her.

Mugen was a self-confessed murderer, pirate, thief, street urchin, liar, cheat, chauvinist, and general all-around punk. He'd been in and out of prisons (the tattoos on his wrists and ankles proclaimed it boldly) and raised himself on the streets of big cities, swindling people out of their money, getting into bar fights and pleasuring himself with whatever woman came his way. His appearance was a testament to his not-so-honorable lifestyle. His geta had metal soles, so that a single kick to the face could crush a person's skull. His shorts were probably once hakama, but he'd cut them off at the knee and sewn them up again with red thread, to match his red jacket. Fuu had always been mildly disgusted at the state of his clothes, which were probably only held together with his sweat and dirt… if he ever washed them, they'd fall apart. And besides from his clothes, he had tan skin, gained from his constant work outside, both in the city and in prison; hair as wild as he was; a self-satisfied, smart-ass smirk that sometimes made Fuu want to punch him. Mugen seemed to enjoy himself immensely. He was proud of his disregard for the rules. "No one can order me around. I don't take shit from anyone. I'm completely free," he bragged.

Then there was Jin, stoic, calm, perfectly disciplined. Unlike Mugen, he'd spent his whole life following the rules, but by a series of unfortunate events unrelated to Lemony Snicket, he had ended up orphaned, homeless, and starving. Still, he followed everything he'd learned, adapting perfectly to whatever came his way. His clothes were generally much neater; he always made sure his hakama and kimono were straight, and that his obi was tied correctly. His hair was black, and always pulled back just so. He spoke very little, choosing words carefully, planning each action microscopically, meditating and reflecting. His skin was paler than Mugen's and unscarred, because he'd learned to fight in a dojo rather than on the streets. His face was expressionless; he hid his eyes behind his glasses and his fringe, unwilling to show more of himself than he had to.

Fuu often imagined them as fire and water. Mugen was reckless and uncontrollable, burning everything in his path. Jin was quiet and adaptable, soothing but with his own brand of energy. She'd never thought they'd hit it off.

But now they had decided—this was so stupid—that maybe they didn't hate each other so much. Fuu hadn't noticed it before, but… well, now she sure did. On the first week on their quest, if Mugen had been acting so obnoxious, Jin certainly would have taught him a lesson. But now Jin was actually smiling about it. Was it just her, or was Jin becoming a little less reserved, and Mugen, a little more cultured?

Fuu had made a promise to herself that, if Jin cut off the ends of his hakama and Mugen started wearing glasses, she would leave and complete the quest herself.

"_Hic_… hee hee hee h-_hic_-hee."

"Shut up! Just shut up! It's not even funny!"

"I'm—_hic_—really trying to—_hic_—" Mugen couldn't finish; he snorted and started giggling again, a really _annoying_ high-pitched giggle that bored right into Fuu's brain and made her want to stomp on kittens just to release her anger.

"Jin!" pleaded Fuu again.

Jin smiled at her from behind his glasses. "Mugen," he said gently. Mugen took several deep breaths, still hiccupping quietly but no longer laughing. He and Jin looked into each other's eyes.

"_Hic_," said Mugen very seriously. He and Jin both smirked.

_Oh, great_! thought Fuu. She'd take Mugen's annoying giggling any day over their flirting. Some days they spent every waking hour trying to kill each other; others, they were like this, united against Fuu in some big inside joke. It really got her goat.

"You are _so _annoying!" she griped. "You're always getting on my nerves, on purpose, and not taking this quest seriously, even though I saved your lives…"

"Yeah and you haven't—_hic_—shut up about it since."

"Lately you've been completely… you know!"

"Hiccupping?" asked Mugen, following his question with a few demonstrative hiccups.

"No, you've been a real bastard. Actually _both_ of you…"

"_Hic._"

"The thing is…"

"_Hic._"

"It's just that…"

"_Hic._"

"Shut _up_, Mugen."

"S—_hic_—sorry."

"I've been putting up with you causing trouble and being mean to me and acting like you're so much better, but this is the last straw! I can't stand you being annoying and thinking it's funny!"

"Aww, c'mon F—_hic_—Fuu! I can't—_hic_—help it!"

"You could stop talking," said Fuu, crossing her arms.

"Fine. I—_hic_—will. I'll stop t—_hic_—talking to _you_." He turned to Jin. "So, _hic_, Jin. How's life?"

"It's been better," answered Jin placidly.

"Have you noticed that—_hic_—Fuu's been acting like a real—_hic_—bitch lately?"

"No more than usual."

"I HATE YOU!" screamed Fuu, stomping the ground. "I'm not walking one more step until you grow up!" She was too angry to say any more. She sat down right in the middle of the path and folded her arms around her knees, not caring if her kimono got dusty or if the two walked away and never returned.

"You're being totally—_hic_—unreasonable! I can't—_hic_—help it, okay?" He turned to Jin. "What's_—hic—_with her, anyways? _Hic_."

"I'd say she's angry because you act like a child," said Jin wisely. Mugen began pacing back and forth on the path, kicking aside pebbles in rage. Jin stood to the side looking mildly amused. Fuu remained on the ground glaring at them.

"She's so_—hic—_stupid! Why c—_hic_—can't she just_—hic—_accept that_—hic—_sometimes_—hic—_sometimes_—hic—_sometimes_— hic—_damn."

"I understand," said Jin.

"_Hic_. Thanks, man. At least—_hic_—you aren't—_hic_—as bad as—_hic_—as bad as—_hic_—never mind. _Hic_. Why are you—_hic_—smiling?"

"I'm sorry. Your hiccups are really amusing," said Jin, bowing his head and closing his eyes, still smirking.

Mugen dropped to the ground cross-legged next to Jin with a sigh and a hiccup. "I can't_—hic—_stop," he said plaintively.

"You need to be startled."

"I—_hic_—need a d_—hic—_drink of water."

"You need to grow up, if you ask me," mumbled Fuu into her knees.

"Well, I didn't—_hic_—ask you! So shut up!"

"Well, I don't care if you asked me!"

"I already—_hic_—told you I can't—_hic_—just because I_—hic—_ever since I_—hic—_you can't keep making fun of_—hic­_!"

"If you really cared so much about what I think, you'd just stop hiccupping!"

"I c—_hic_—can't!" protested Mugen. Fuu raised her head to protest, but Mugen made a fast rebuttal. "N—_hic_—no, I can't!" he insisted, and was then overcome with such a fit of hiccups he couldn't finish. Jin smiled at the ground. Fuu rolled her eyes.

"I would if I—_hic_—could. I swear! _Hic_. I've been trying to!" He paused to hiccup contemplatively.

"You have not!" yelled Fuu. "You've been giggling over it for hours!"

"Well, maybe—_hic_—that's just my way—_hic_—of coping!"

"It's annoying!"

"_Hic_. How do you think I feel? _Hic_. I'm the one with these—_hic_—stupid—_hic_—hiccups! And they're beginning to hurt!" He looked at Fuu pleadingly, still hiccupping quietly.

Fuu sighed in frustration.

"Really. I'd do—_hic_—anything," he said sincerely.

"I'm not going to take any more of this," Fuu said warningly.

"Then help me! _Hic_."

"Fine! We will! We'll do it right now! Let's go!" said Fuu, rising in a determined way and brushing dust from her kimono. Mugen looked surprised.

"_Hic._ Thanks—_hic_—Fuu. I guess you're—_hic_—not such a bitch—_hic_—after all."


	2. Dr Jin's Herbal Tea of DOOM

(Author's Note: This is a really short chapter, sorry! I'll add more as I find more weird hiccup cures. Suggestions welcome.)

CHAPTER TWO:

The Reason Why Jin's a Samurai and Not a Doctor

"Really? _Hic_. I get to eat an entire spoon of sugar?"

"Yep."

Mugen's eyes shone. Obviously, he thought he was getting a good deal.

They were standing beside a small pond, because, Mugen had insisted, drinking water was the best way to cure hiccups. He'd drunk plenty (the only reason he'd stopped is that he'd accidentally swallowed a small, live fish, whole) and so far was hiccupping just as bad as before. At this point Jin had interjected with about eight different home remedies which all seemed to involve eating something. Fuu wasn't enthusiastic about sharing the meager supplies she was carrying with her. Then again, Mugen's constant hiccupping was grating on her nerves, so she'd agreed to try some of Jin's ideas. He guaranteed they would all work.

"This is so—_hic_—cool!" he said, as Fuu handed him a spoon. He put it in his mouth and immediately spit it out with several loud, squeaky, indignant hiccups. "That's—_hic_—salt!" he cried.

"Well, yeah," said Fuu. "We didn't think you'd take it if we told you it was really salt."

Mugen hiccupped with rage.

"Okay, okay, we'll try sugar." Mugen watched her carefully as she poured him another spoonful—this time, with real sugar. He took it happily, munching it like a horse.

"Hey! I think it work—_hic_. Never mind."

"Try salt again," said Jin.

"No!" whined Mugen as Fuu poured out another spoonful.

"You know, I don't have an unlimited supply," said Fuu. "Can't you think of a way to shut him up without using all my stuff?"

"It would've worked the first time if Mugen hadn't spit it all out," said Jin defensively.

Mugen took the salt grudgingly and ate it, gagging and hiccupping at the same time. "Why couldn't I—_hic_—have the sugar last?" he asked, grabbing Jin's sleeve and wiping his tongue on it. Jin yanked his clothes away crossly.

"Any other bright ideas?"

"Peanut butter."

"We don't have any."

"Lemons."

"We don't have any."

"Hot tea."

"I have some leaves."

"Let's try that."

Mugen sat on the ground hiccupping miserably while Jin gave him a long and boring lecture about how one prepares tea the "right" way. Fuu covered her ears and tried to block out Mugen's annoying squeaks.

Several minutes later, Mugen accepted a cup of steaming tea from Jin. He sipped it gratefully and spit it out even faster than the salt, spraying Jin in it.

"This is—_hic_—disgusting!" he shrieked.

"It would work, if you'd stop spitting it all out!" snapped Jin, yanking off his glasses to wipe them on his kimono.

"_Hic_. What'd you do, _hic_, poison it?"

"Drink it! It's good for you!"

"_Hic_! I'd rather—_hic_—die!"

"Stop being such a baby! It can't possibly be that bad!" Fuu took the cup and sipped it. She sprayed Jin in it too. "EWW. Jin, this is totally gross!"

"It's _herbal_ tea!" said Jin, wringing out his soggy ponytail.

"It's a weapon of mass destruction, if you want my opinion," said Fuu. She dumped the rest of the tea in the algae-ridden pond beside them. As much as she hated Mugen, she thought it would just be cruel to force him to drink the rest of the tea. A few fish floated to the surface of the water.

Mugen and Fuu stared at Jin.

"Oh—come on! It wasn't that bad!"

"_Hic_. I notice you didn't—_hic_—drink any yourself!"

Jin glared at Mugen over the top of his glasses, and then said, "Fine. I have another idea. I need ginger root, a paper bag, something bitter, and a live toad."

While Mugen hiccupped his protests, Fuu went crashing into the forest to find everything Jin had asked for. She hoped that, by the time she found it, Mugen's hiccups would be gone. But when she returned, at sunset, he was still hiccupping bitterly.

"Did you get it all?" asked Jin.

"Yeah… I got a lot of stuff," said Fuu, handing Jin a sack of items.

"Where did you—_hic_—find peanut butter and—_hic_—vinegar in the—_hic_—forest?" asked Mugen skeptically, as Jin began pulling things from the bag.

"There's a Wal-Mart down the road."

"Oh. That's—_hic_—convenient."

"There aren't any Wal-Marts in feudal Japan," said Jin.

"Shut up. It advances the plot."

Following Fuu's very wise advice, Jin decided to ignore the idiocy of the situation and focus on ridding Mugen of his hiccups.

"Did it work?" he asked eagerly, as Mugen sucked a lemon.

"_Hic_," said Mugen.

"Are they gone?" he asked, as Mugen gargled vinegar.

"_Hic_," said Mugen.

"How about now?" he asked, as Mugen ate peanut butter.

"Mmpph_hic_," said Mugen.

After that, Mugen ate ginger root, put his fingers in his ears, breathed into a paper bag, and put the toad in his mouth for a full minute. Nothing worked.

He spit out the toad, watched it hop away, and hiccupped sadly.

"I'm—_hic_—screwed," said Mugen miserably.

"You just need a good jolt to your system!" said Jin optimistically.

"I'm not putting—_hic_—any more stuff—_hic_—in my mouth."

"I have more ideas."

Several seconds later, Mugen was balancing on his head, wobbling dangerously every time he hiccupped. "How long—_hic_—do I have to stay like this?"

"A few minutes," said Jin, crouching in front of Mugen and staring into his upside-down face. "You can't have hiccups forever."

A few minutes later, Mugen was still upside-down, and still hiccupping.

"Maybe we should feed him salt while he's on his head."

Mugen crashed to the ground with a massive hiccup.

He held his breath while Fuu and Jin discussed more ideas.

"We could scare him," suggested Fuu.

"Nothing'll—_hic_—scare me," said Mugen bravely.

"What about Jin naked? Would that scare you?"

"_What!_" cried Mugen in horror. Fuu knew he was genuinely horrified because he had a fit of rapid hiccupping. "No!" he managed to cry out.

Jin scowled.

Mugen hiccupped so rapidly he had to clutch at a stitch in his side. "Are—_hic_—you—_hic_—crazy?" he gasped out.

"That's a stupid idea," grumbled Jin.

"You only—_hic_—are—_hic_—l—_hic_—looking for—_hic_—an excuse—_hic_—to s—_hic_—see J—_hic_—Jin—_hic_—_hic_—_hic_—" sputtered Mugen.

"No, I'm not!"

"_Hic_!" cried Mugen in reply.

"Maybe instead of scaring him," said Jin quickly, trying to change the conversation, "we can just deliver a jolt to his system, like I mentioned earlier."

Without any other ideas, Mugen stood with his back bared to Jin, eyes tightly closed, while Jin gripped his sword.

"On three, okay?" said Jin. "One… two…" He swung his sword and smashed Mugen on the back of his head with the flat of the blade, following quickly with a blow to his back. Mugen went flying; he slid face-first into the ground and lay motionless for a moment before saying, "_Hic_."

"That was on two," said Fuu accusingly, surveying Mugen's lifeless body.

"It wouldn't be a jolt if he wasn't surprised by it."

"I don't understand how hitting him was supposed to get rid of the hiccups."

Jin shrugged. "Actually I made that up. I just always wanted to hit him."


	3. The Psychological Approach

(Author's Note: I am having SO much fun writing this, I'm so glad I'm making people laugh, hopefully. Speaking of making people laugh… I will warn everyone now, this chapter contains many VERY bad puns. It also contains a reference to William Shakespeare's Macbeth, act 5, scene 5, starting at verse 19. Loved ya, Billy. The song at the very end, for those of you who don't know your oldies, is by Bobby day. Loved ya, Bobby.)

CHAPTER THREE:

The Reason Why Jin's a Samurai and Not a Comedian

"Ehhh. Ehhh—_hic_—hhh!" said Mugen, as Jin pulled on his tongue.

"Any luck?" asked Fuu, emerging from the woods. Night had finally fallen; fireflies buzzing around them. So far, two had flown into Mugen's mouth, which was wide open.

"No. New ideas?" asked Jin. He was in a bad mood. His kimono, after being sprayed with salt and tea, had dried stiffly. And he had spit all over his hands from yanking Mugen's tongue.

"Yeah, I got a huge print-out from the internet of different cures!" said Fuu happily, plunking a stack of paper next to Jin. He glared at her over the tops of his glasses.

"Feudal Japan doesn't have the internet."

"Shut up… it advances the plot."

Jin let go of Mugen's tongue and picked up the paper, flipping through idly. "Here's a good one… take seven jumps backwards and make a wish on each one."

"You're a—_hic_—sadist, aren't you?"

Jin smiled.

Grudgingly, Mugen sighed and climbed to his feet. "I wish—_hic_—my hiccups—_hic_—would go away," said Mugen as he jumped backwards as far as he could. "I wish—_hic_—my hiccups would go—_hic_—away."

"It has to be a different wish each time," said Fuu.

Mugen cursed and started over.

"I wish—_hic_—my hiccups would—_hic_—go away!" he said, jumping backwards. "I wish—_hic_—I had a p—_hic_—pony."

"They have to be real wishes," interrupted Fuu.

"How do you—_hic_—know that's not—_hic_—a real wish?" demanded Mugen.

"_You_? Want a pony?" asked Fuu.

She and Jin glanced at each other, then collapsed to the ground laughing. Mugen turned bright red and stalked over to them. "_Hic_! This is a dumb idea anyway! _Hic_!"

"Okay… okay… we'll try something else," gasped Fuu, wiping away a tear. "Pinch your earlobes while we think."

Mugen stood holding his ears and feeling stupid while she and Jin poured over their list of potential cures.

"Close your eyes and massage them," said Fuu. Mugen obediently rubbed his closed eyes.

"Chew this gum," said Jin. Mugen chewed it.

"Make yourself puke," said Fuu.

"How am I supposed—_hic_—to do that?" asked Mugen, chewing gum noisily with his mouth open.

"Think of Jin naked."

"What's—_hic_—wrong with you, Fuu?"

"Massage the roof of your mouth with cotton," said Jin. Mugen tried it; the cotton and gum got stuck together and he swallowed the whole wad with a choking, hiccupping noise.

"Hmm," pondered Fuu, flipping through the pages. She twirled a lock of hair while she studied them. "Most of this stuff we've already tried."

"Talking non-stop didn't work," said Jin. He and Fuu chuckled.

"Or he can try screaming. But he's loud enough as it is," she said, pointing to another item on the list. She and Jin chuckled some more.

"You guys—_hic_—aren't helping," said Mugen, who was standing on one foot and blowing on his thumb.

"Quiet. Think of bald men."

"I'm—_hic_—trying but—_hic_—they keep turning into—_hic_—women."

"Bald women?" asked Jin with a raised eyebrow.

"No, _hic_, regular women."

"You could masturbate. According to the list—" began Fuu.

"No, I already—_hic_—did that."

"EWWW, Mugen! I was kidding!"

Mugen grinned and hiccupped.

"Pull on your hair," commanded Jin. Mugen remained balancing on one foot, holding a fistful of hair and tugging it as hard as he could.

"You said—_hic_—you'd actually—_hic_—help me. This—_hic_—just hurts," complained Mugen.

"Maybe your hiccups are psychological," said Fuu. "Maybe we're trying all the wrong stuff. I think we should do some mind exercises."

"Only one problem… you're assuming Mugen, does, in fact, have a mind."

"Oh, _hic_, shut up!"

Fuu told him to sit down. He did, gratefully, feeling extremely sore from all the different things they'd tried so far. He kicked off his geta and tried to relax, but Fuu insisted on asking questions designed to get rid of his hiccups.

"What's your middle name?" she asked.

"How the—_hic_—hell should I know?"

"Just answer."

"I don't—_hic_—have one."

"Never mind, then. What color is a white horse?"

"White."

"When was the last time you saw a white horse?"

"I don't—_hic_—remember."

Fuu leaned very close to Mugen's face, her own twisted in an expression of fierce concentration. Mugen felt uncomfortable. He hiccupped uncontrollably and tried to focus on Jin in the background, who was standing there smiling at him over the top of his glasses, hands on his swords.

"If a plane crashes exactly on the border between North and South Dakota, where do they bury the survivors?" asked Fuu.

"There's no planes in feudal Japan," called Jin from behind her.

"Shut up, Jin. I'm advancing the plot. Well, Mugen?"

"_Hic_. I don't know. _Hic_. Where's North and—_hic_—South Dakota?"

"Think about it."

Mugen thought very carefully. "I don't—_hic_—know," he said finally, still trying not to look in Fuu's eyes.

"Quick! What does a cow drink!" she barked.

"Milk!" cried Mugen, then he hiccupped and said, "No, wait! _Hic_! Water!"

"I'll give you five ryu if you stop hiccupping right now!" she shouted.

There was a moment of silence.

"YES!" cheered Fuu.

"_Hic_," said Mugen quietly.

"Oh, no…"

"That wasn't…" Mugen paused. His body convulsed violently with a suppressed hiccup. "That wasn't a hiccup!" he said quickly. "Give me my—_hic_—money. Oops."

"I don't have any anyways," said Fuu.

"Oh." Mugen looked down at the ground, softly squeaking.

"Try laughing," said Jin.

"Nothing's really—_hic_—funny right now."

"I'll tell a joke."

"Oh, this'll be good," muttered Fuu, scooting away from Mugen. Jin knelt on the ground and began, "A three-legged dog walks into a western bar. The bartender says, 'what're you doing here?' The dog says, 'I'm looking for the man that shot my paw.'"

Fuu and Mugen both groaned loudly. Mugen's groan was interrupted with more hiccups.

"Tell a _good_ one, Jin! You're trying to make him laugh, not sob at how pathetic you are."

"Okay, okay. What do you get when you toss a grenade into a French kitchen? Linoleum blown apart.'"

Fuu groaned again. Mugen looked confused. "I don't—_hic_—get it."

"Wait, I've got another!" said Jin hastily. "What's brown and sticky?"

Mugen shook his head. "I don't—_hic_—know."

"A stick."

Fuu and Mugen smacked their foreheads.

"Jin, no—_hic_—offense, but you have—_hic_—a terrible sense of humor."

"We could try the tea again," threatened Jin.

"No!" gasped Mugen.

"You know what I always say… if at first the tea doesn't succeed… chai, chai again."

"Jin, please!" moaned Fuu. "No more jokes!"

"I could tell the one about the pencil, but it hasn't really got a point…"

Fuu put a hand over Jin's mouth, and then mused, "Hmm. How can we make you laugh without telling jokes?"

"I'd laugh—_hic_—if you smacked Jin—_hic_—really hard for all—_hic_—his bad jokes."

"I'll smack _you_ really hard if you don't shut up," said Jin in a muffled voice from behind Fuu's hand. He pushed Fuu's hand off his face and said, "You know, he was giggling idiotically earlier and that didn't help."

"I don't think it's the actual laughing," said Fuu wisely. "I think maybe he just has to have that thing where you can't breathe and start hyperventilating. You know what I mean?"

"No," said Jin. (The only time he'd come close to laughing that hard was one time when he'd witnessed someone he disliked slip and fall on icy pavement.)

"Never mind." Fuu's eyes suddenly lit up. She looked at Mugen, then at Jin. She motioned Jin over. Mugen sat on the ground watching them while they put their heads together conspiratorially. Jin's head was bowed, turned toward Fuu; she was standing on her toes like a little girl. They definitely weren't up to anything good.

"We have an idea!" announced Fuu as she and Jin both turned around. Jin was smirking. Mugen felt his stomach knot.

"Uh, _hic_, that's okay. _Hic_. I'm actually sort of getting—_hic_—used to these hiccups," he said quickly.

"Nonsense, Mugen!" said Jin. "Stand up."

Mugen climbed to his feet, still worried. "You gonna—_hic_—hit me about? 'S not that it—_hic_—hurt or anything—_hic_—but I wouldn't want you—_hic_—to strain a muscle."

"Yeah, right," scoffed Fuu. "And no, he's not going to hit you. Jin, toss your swords away."

Grudgingly, Jin tossed his swords aside to show Mugen he wouldn't hurt him. Mugen wasn't assured. He couldn't help but take a small step back when Jin approached him.

"Close your eyes."

Mugen squeezed them closed, expecting something painful to happen, such as having more tea thrust into his mouth. Instead he was tackled to the ground and suddenly, both Jin and Fuu were tickling him.

"Ha ha ha ha—_hic_—ha ha! _Hic_! Stop it! Ha ha ha—_hic_—ha!" wailed Mugen, trying to push them off. He was squealing like a girl; none of them, including Mugen himself, had known he could even make a noise like that.

"We're only doing this for your own good," called Fuu over Mugen's laughter.

"Stop!" he gasped. "_Hic_! Ha ha ha ha! _Hic_! I hate—ha ha, _hic_—you! Ha ha!""

After a minute of being cursed at, laughed at, and hiccupped at, Jin and Fuu agreed to stop. They sat on Mugen with their heads in their hands, pondering. Mugen lay under them, wheezing for air and hiccupping and swearing occasionally.

"I didn't even know he was ticklish at all," said Fuu.

"Me neither," said Jin with a big smile on his face.

"Oh, no! _Hic_! No! If you ever—_hic_—try tickling me again—_hic_—I'll kill you!" warned Mugen.

"Jin wouldn't take advantage of that weakness. Would you, Jin?"

"No," said Jin, smile broadening demonically. Mugen hiccupped pathetically.

"I'm out of ideas."

"Me too."

"Get—_hic_—off me!"

Jin and Fuu stood up. Mugen jumped to his feet looking homicidal. He took a threatening step toward Jin; Jin held up a hand, fingers splayed.

"You're—_hic_—gonna pay for that!"

"Try it," Jin dared him. He darted forward and began tickling Mugen again. Mugen fell to the ground sniggering and squealing.

"Can you two _please_ focus?"

"Hee hee—_hic_—hee," gasped Mugen, rolling away. He sat up with twigs in his hair. "I hate you. _Hic_."

"Are you ticklish, Jin?"

"No."

"Are you sure?" teased Fuu, reaching for his stomach. He grabbed her hand in a crushing grip.

"Yes. I'm sure."

"Sheesh. You have no sense of humor, seriously," she mumbled, taking her hand back and rubbing it.

"I have a great sense of humor. What do you call a digestive system in Cuba?"

"Please, Jin. Your jokes give me a headache."

"Let me finish!" he snapped.

"Okay… what do you call a digestive system in Cuba?" sighed Fuu.

"The castrointestinal tract."

Crickets chirped in the distance. A wolf howled.

"Get it? Casto? Like, gastro, only… Cuba…? Never mind. _I_ thought it was funny," muttered Jin, crossing his arms and looking disdainfully away.

"Okay," said Fuu slowly. "Well, I'm going to go and try to find some new cures. You stay here and… um… work on your act."

Fuu hurried away into the darkened woods. Jin mumbled in annoyance under his breath. "Work on my act! I'm funnier than _she_'ll ever be. Hypocritical little…"

"What about—_hic_—my hiccups?" whined Mugen.

Jin glared at him. Several seconds later Mugen found himself standing on one foot, one hand holding a ball that he was supposed to be throwing up and then catching, and the other with his finger against his nose. "Tomorrow—_hic_—and tomorrow—_hic_—and tomorrow," he recited. "Creeps in this petty—_hic_—pace from day to day, _hic,_ to the last syllable—_hic_—of recorded time, and all—_hic_—our yesterdays have lighted fools—_hic_—the way to dusty death! _Hic_. Out, out, brief candle! _Hic_!"

He switched feet and began singing, "I'm—_hic_—dreaming of a w—_hic_—whiiiiite Christmas! Just—_hic_—like the ones I used to—_hic_—know!"

He switched feet again. "Life's but a walking—_hic_—shadow, a poor—_hic_—player that struts and frets—_hic_—his hour upon the stage, _hic_, and then is heard no more! _Hic_! It is a tale told—_hic_—by an idiot! Full of sound—_hic_—and fury, signifying—_hic_—nothing!"

He paused. "Jin… are you—_hic_—sure this will help?"

"Huh? Oh… yes. Yes, absolutely," said Jin quickly, leafing through a joke book. "Keep going. You're doing great."

Mugen sighed and switched feet, singing quietly, "He rocks in the—_hic_—treetops, all the day—_hic_—long. Hoppin' and a—_hic_—boppin' and a-singin'—_hic_—his song. All the little birds—_hic_—on J-Bird street—_hic_—love to hear the robin—_hic_—go tweet, tweet, tweet. _Hic_. Rockin' robin. Tweet, tweet, tweet. _Hic_. Rockin' robin. _Hic._ Tweet, tweet, tweet…"


	4. Fuu Gets Kidnapped Yet Again

(Author's Note: This is a very a short but important chapter! Fuu get KIDNAPPED. Why's that girl always getting kidnapped, huh? There's more craziness and the gags are longer, but it leads up to an AWESOME climax… trust me. Thanks to the... erm... three people who reviewed. Woo-hoo! That's like one review per chapter! You guys rock! And to all the lazy tightwads who read my stories but don't review... I know where you live.) (Oh, by the way, for you uncultured fools who don't know who LadyMurasaki is, she was the author of "The Tale of Genji." The joke was originally about Beethovan but I'm trying to make Jin's bad jokes a little more Japanese, seeing how he keeps griping about how it's feudal Japan.)

CHAPTER FOUR

Fuu had it this time. She really, really did. She knew _exactly_ how to get rid of Mugen's hiccups. It seemed so obvious! She couldn't believe she hadn't thought of it before. And all she needed was a pneumonic drill, some pudding, a pregnant lemur, and a left shoe, size eight.

She was having trouble finding the shoe.

She was looking so hard, in fact, that she somehow wandered farther than she'd meant to. It wasn't until she looked up at the sky and saw all the stars through the tree leaves that it occurred to her that she had no idea where she was, or how to get back.

Unfortunately, she had also been looking so hard that she hadn't noticed that, for the last four minutes, she was being followed.

"Well, hello there, little girl," said a man, appearing suddenly from behind a tree. Fuu jumped.

"Who're _you_?" she demanded impolitely. She didn't take kindly to being called "little girl."

"Why, my name's Akio," he said sweetly. Fuu went "hmm" and peered at him through the dense, dark foliage. He was a portly man with a small beard and smaller eyes. He looked like he could have been a cop. A bad cop.

"I was just wondering what a little girl like you was doing out in the woods at this time of night," he said.

"None of your business!" snapped Fuu, edging away.

"Oh, no, you misunderstand," he said quickly. "I'm not like that. Actually I wanted to offer you an opportunity to become involved in the world of art…"

"Forget it, pal! I've been there! I know all about the 'art' business, I'm not buying it! You can't fool me! Besides, what kind of creepy artist hangs out in a forest in the middle of the night stalking girls?" said Fuu shrilly.

Akio sighed and bowed his head. "I guess you're right. You're far too smart for me. I'll just have to give up."

"Yeah, that's right!" said Fuu suspiciously. She had been creeping farther and farther away, yet Akio wasn't moving toward her at all. It was almost like he wanted her to go in that direction. It was almost like she was walking into a…

"HEY!" Fuu yelled as someone suddenly yanked a heavy bag over her head. She dropped her own sack and fought, but it was too late; her arms were bound to her body with thick ropes and she was being dragged away. _Oh, great_, she thought. _Why is it always me?_

* * *

Meanwhile, Jin was still reading, while Mugen held a pencil in his teeth and tried drinking orange juice.

"Here's a good one," said Jin idly. "If LadyMurasaki, were alive today, what would she be doing?"

"Wha?" asked Mugen through his pencil. He wasn't really paying attention; his brow was furrowed and he was struggling to twist his lip to slurp up the orange juice over the rim of the cup.

"Screaming and clawing at the inside of her coffin."

"See, Jin, _hic_, that's not even—_hic_—really a joke. Jokes—_hic_—are supposed to be funny."

Jin scowled and threw the book aside. "Where's Fuu?" he demanded.

"I dunno. _Hic_, _hic_. She's been gone—_hic_—ages."

"Hmm." Jin rubbed his chin. "Perhaps we should go look for her."

"_Hic._ I don't really—_hic_—care if she's gone."

"Come on."

An unhappy Mugen followed Jin into the woods. They crashed through the thick foliage at first, before remembering they had swords. After that, they simply slashed their way through the brush, using their katana like machetes.

"If we've—_hic_—lost her, it's not such a—_hic_—big deal. I mean, _hic_, she's kind of—_hic_—whiny, isn't she?"

"Almost as much as you."

Mugen tried to retort but only managed to squeak a few times. By the time he'd gotten his hiccups under control, Jin had stopped and was pointing to the ground. "Look! A clue!"

"A clue?" repeated Mugen cynically. "_Hic_. Who the hell—_hic_—do you think you are, _hic_? Scooby-doo?"

"There's no Scooby-doo in feudal—"

"Yeah, yeah, _hic_, I know." Mugen rolled his eyes and then stood on his toes to peek over Jin's shoulder without touching him. "What—_hic_—is it?"

Jin picked up the sack on the ground and gave it a gentle shake. There was some rattling, as well as an animal-like squall.

"Well?" prompted Mugen.

"My best guess is a pneumonic drill, some pudding, and a pregnant lemur."

"O-k-a-y," said Mugen very slowly. (So slowly that he hiccupped twice during the course of the word.)

"The only way to know, of course, is to open it," said Jin. He carefully untied the string and opened the bag. A pregnant lemur came flying out, latched onto his face, and clawed at his eyes. Mugen fell to the ground laughing while he screamed and tried to tear it off.

When Jin had finally grabbed the lemur and thrown it to the ground, where it scampered away, he asked, "WHERE WOULD SHE EVEN FIND A LEMUR? LEMURS AREN'T NATIVE TO JAPAN."

Mugen sighed deeply and wiped a tear from his eye, chuckling. "That was—_hic_—great. So what else—_hic_—is in the bag?"

Jin, hair frayed from his fight with the lemur, picked it back up and rooted through it. "Just as I suspected. A drill and some pudding. There's also a note that says 'Ahh help help I'm being kidnapped, signed Fuu.'"

"What's that—_hic_—mean?"

Jin cocked an eyebrow. "It means… Fuu is gone."

Mugen cheered. "Do you know—_hic_—what that means?"

"Yes," said Jin gravely.

"It means—_hic_—we can finally get around—_hic_—to killing each other!" He pulled his sword and gave Jin a goofy grin. But Jin didn't pull his sword. He bowed his head and said, "We must rescue her."

"_Hic_!" protested Mugen.

"We have a commitment to her, Mugen."

"But—_hic_—she's so—_hic_—freakin'—_hic_—"

"Come," commanded Jin, already picking his way through the forest.

"I don't—_hic_—have to—_hic_—take orders—_hic_—from—_hic_—the likes of—_hic_—you!" yelled Mugen. "You can't—_hic_—boss me—_hic_—_hic_—_hic_—_hic_—forget it, I'm coming."


	5. Momo Makes Her Debut

(Author's Note: This chapter has MOMO THE SQUIRREL, who is the most ANNOYING character in the series. Let's face it, Momo's only purpose is to be cute. Stupid cute animal side-kicks! We don't need you! …oh, yes, and warnings, this chapter has minor swearing by Mugen. Can you blame him?)

CHAPTER FIVE

Fuu didn't know where she was, because she had a bag over her head, but she didn't panic. She was so used to getting kidnapped, in fact, that she was rather used to sitting in a chair in a darkened room, alone, hands tied behind her back.

"Momo!" she whispered. "_Momo_!"

"Ee?" came a quiet noise from her kimono.

"Momo, wake up!"

A lump formed under the pink cloth of her kimono. It migrated around for a moment; then a small, furry head appeared by her neck.

"Ee," said Momo. Momo was a squirrel: small, white, and extremely useful in situations like this. Fuu felt everyone who was prone to kidnapping needed a flying squirrel. It's just common sense.

"Momo! I need you to go get me Jin and Mugen. Do you understand? _Jin_ and _Mugen_."

"Eeee," said Momo. (This translates, roughly, to "Don't patronize me. I might only be a squirrel but I'm a damn lot smarter than any brainless chipmunk.")

"Go!" whispered Fuu anxiously, as she heard footsteps approach.

Momo squeezed the rest of her body from under the shoulder of Fuu's kimono and leapt off. She sailed across the room and landed neatly by the door just as it opened. She slipped out, and it closed behind her.

"Well, well. What do we have here?" Akio yanked the bag off Fuu's head. She shook her head; her hair was a mess and her cheeks were red.

"What'd you think you're doing, you creep? Let me go!" she yelled, twisting in her chair.

"I think not!" said Akio with a little chuckle. "Allow me to introduce my assistant, Asa."

Asa nodded. Asa was simply dwarfed by Akio's bulk and difficult to make out. Fuu wasn't even sure if it was male or female; he (or she) was simply a short, oversized brown kimono with green blossoms on it, hidden under a wide-brim hat.

"What'd you want with me?" demanded Fuu. "To make me your slave, right? To put me in a brothel? To take advantage of me in the most depraved, sick carnal ways possible?"

Akio laughed until he wheezed. "Heavens, no. Don't flatter yourself, you silly girl. It's not you we want at all."

"Huh?"

"Mugen," said Akio gravely. Asa bowed his (or her) head.

"Mugen!" said Fuu. "What'd you want with Mugen? Who are you people, anyways? What's so great about Mugen?"

"Nothing's _great_ about him at all!" cried Akio, suddenly furious. "He's a plague! A parasite! An insignificant worm! We will do the world a favor and rid the world of him!"

"But… why?"

"Do you need to ask?" asked Akio in exasperation.

"I guess not. Did he rip you off or something?"

"No, far, far worse," said Akio gravely. "Back in days, when we were pirates…"

Fuu braced herself for a horrible tale of murder, betrayal, debauchery, and torture.

"…we went to see a movie and his cell phone went off three times. _Three._"

"_That's_ why you want to kill him?"

"He had a really annoying ring tone," said Akio.

"Yeah, but is that really worth killing him over? Isn't there anything else?"

"He killed my brother," suggested Asa, speaking for the first time. He (or she) had a raspy, scratchy voice that didn't clarify his (or her) gender whatsoever. "We've been after him for years."

"Oh. Well… okay then," said Fuu.

"Imagine how happy we were when we found he was traveling with two potential hostages!" added Akio.

"Well, the joke's on you!" said Fuu. "Mugen's a selfish pig and he'll never come rescue me! So there!" She clammed up and refused to look at them again, or speak another word. At the same time, she tried to communicate telepathically with Momo not to get Mugen, after all.

* * *

"We're looking for a girl," said Jin.

"Have you tried the Kitty-Cat Club down the street?"

"Not that kind of girl," said Jin hastily.

He and Mugen were standing on a dusty and mostly-deserted street, talking with a man who was struggling to heave barrels of what appeared to be shrimp into a restaurant. The little village had been very close (why else would there have been a Wal-Mart in the woods?), and was probably where Fuu had been taken to. Mugen was murmuring, "Pineapple—_hic_—pineapple," under his breath. Jin had said this would help the hiccups.

"She's about this high," said Jin, indicating Fuu's height with his hand. "She was wearing a pink and orange kimono, and had some hair ornaments, and looked a bit dim. She sounded like this." He lunged at Mugen.

"No!" wailed Mugen as Jin tickled him. He lapsed into a series of high-pitched, girly giggles. "Hee hee! Hee hee hee—_hic_—hee hee!"

"Uncanny!" exclaimed the man, pausing to shift a barrel in his arms. "I heard a girl just like that only a few hours ago!"

"Did she look like Fuu?"

"Well, she had a bag over her head and was being dragged along kicking by two people. I didn't get a good look at her."

"Didn't you think it was odd that she had a bad over her head, and was being dragged along kicking?"

The man shrugged. "Why was she giggling if she was being kidnapped, anyways?" he responded.

Jin sighed. "Just tell us where she is."

The man pointed. "They were taking her that way. Probably to the old abandoned warehouse."

"The old—_hic_—abandoned warehouse?" repeated Mugen. "Damn, _hic_, this just gets more and more—_hic_—Scooby-doo every minute."

"Come on!" snapped Jin, grabbing Mugen's arm and yanking him away.

"Aww, Jin… _hic_. Why do we gotta—_hic_—save her?"

"Because we have an implied contract to protect her, that's why."

"But—_hic_—she's always getting—_hic_—into stupid—_hic_—situations like this. And—_hic_—I don't know about you—_hic_—but I'm fed—_hic_—fed up with it."

"Hmm," replied Jin neutrally. He stopped dead in the middle of a busy intersection. Several people grumbled as they were forced to walk around him. "That's it." He pointed. A large, empty-looking warehouses stood across from them. A field of long, overgrown grass surrounded it. Several windows were broken; others, boarded up.

"Looks—_hic_—promising," said Mugen sarcastically.

"Excuse me," said Jin, grabbing the arm of a passing woman. "Do you know how I can get in your warehouse?"

"PERVERT!" she shrieked, and hit him full in the face with the bag she was carrying. Jin staggered.

"No, no, I meant—I meant, how can I can into your _town_'s warehouse? That one, there?" asked Jin, clutching one side of his face and pointing to the warehouse.

"Oh. Sorry," said the woman. Her eyes narrowed. "Why do you want to get in there?"

"Because—_hic_—he's looking—_hic_—for a girl—_hic_—named Fuu—_hic_," explained Mugen.

The woman's eyes narrowed even more. "What's wrong with your friend?" she asked.

"He… he has nervous tics," said Jin quickly.

"SCREW YOU, _hic_, JIN! I DO NOT!" yelled Mugen.

"See? He can't control himself. He's always having these fits…"

Mugen was so furious that he had a fit of hiccups right there. "I—_hic_—do not—_hic_—don't—_hic_—d—_hic_—d—_hic_—don't have—_hic_—have—_hic_—_hic_—_hic_—_hic_—_hic_!"

"And Fuu… _Dr_ Fuu, that is…" said Jin, building up momentum, "is the only person who can cure him! We heard a rumor she's in there."

"_Hic_! Go to hell! _Hic_!" cried Mugen.

The woman finally looked sympathetic. "Oh. Poor dear," she said gently. "Has he been sick a long time?"

"Oh, yes. Very, very sick," said Jin, forcing himself to keep a perfectly straight face.

"_Hic_—BASTARD!" screeched Mugen.

"Well…" The woman hesitated, and finally said, "There's a door around the east side. It has a board over it, and the board is spray-painted but not actually nailed down. People go in through there. But I wouldn't go in there if I were you—a rough crowd hangs out inside. Ex-pirates."

"What's—_hic_—wrong with—_hic_—ex-pirates?" cried Mugen.

"Come on, let's go!" said Jin, grabbing Mugen's sleeve and dragging him away again.

"Why'd you—_hic_—tell that lady—_hic_—that I have nervous tics?" he griped as they pushed their way through the grass toward the east side of the warehouse.

"I needed to get her sympathy, and to explain your rudeness. It just seemed like a good idea," said Jin. "Great acting, by the way."

"I wasn't—_hic_—acting!" protested Mugen.

Jin gave him a significant look. Mugen sighed and began chanting the word "pineapple" again.


	6. Buddha's Tummy

(Author's Note: Thanks to everyone who leaves reviews! I'm so glad you're digging this… I think this is the best chapter I've written before, I sincerely believe Mugen is ticklish and would make a great Buddha. Thanks again!)

CHAPTER SIX

"Yeep," said Momo.

Jin's foot stopped half-way down to the ground. He peered around it. Directly under his foot was a squirrel, nose twitching.

"Momo!" exclaimed Jin. He dropped to his knees to look at the squirrel. "Where's Fuu?"

"Eee, yeep yeep," said Momo.

"What's that, Momo? Fuu fell down the old well?" asked Jin. He laughed at his own joke. Mugen gave him a good, solid kick.

"Oh, come on! That was a good one!" protested Jin, rubbing his side painfully.

"No, Jin, that was—_hic_—really stupid. And—_hic_—you're talking to a—_hic_—squirrel."

"Yeep!" said Momo indignantly.

Jin stood, brushed off his hakama, regathered his dignity, and said, "Let's follow it."

"Follow a—_hic_—squirrel? What, are you looking—_hic_—for peanuts or—_hic_—something?" asked Mugen cynically. Momo gave an angry "ee!" and nipped one of his toes.

"OW! Freakin' thing—_hic_—bit me!"

"Poor baby," muttered Jin sarcastically, already changing his path through the field to follow Momo. The squirrel scampered through the grass, taking them to the eastern door of the warehouse. When they got there, Momo stood on her hind legs and made a little squirrel gesture.

"We don't know what we're up against," said Jin. "So we're going to use the element of surprise."

"What'd you—_hic_—mean?"

"I mean… SURPRISE!" yelled Jin, jumping at Mugen. Mugen squeaked and fell backwards. Jin pointed and laughed. So did Momo.

Mugen picked himself up grumbling. "You're not—_hic_—as funny as—_hic_—you think you are," he said, pulling his sword from his back. He shook his hair from his eyes.

"Right. We're really going to use the element of surprise," said Jin gravely. "This warehouse is big enough to hold dozens… even hundreds of enemies. So we must keep _absolutely quiet_ and not call attention to ourselves."

"_Hic," _said Mugen loudly.

Jin glared at him.

He forced down the next hiccup with a painful shudder.

"Good. Ready?"

"Ready," confirmed Mugen. He twitched at another violent hiccup.

Jin pushed opened the creaky door with one hand, peering around it furtively, his other hand clutching his sword. He nodded to Mugen. Momo scampered ahead, and the two samurai followed.

"Remember… be absolutely silent," whispered Jin.

"_Hic_," whispered Mugen as quietly as he could.

"SHH!"

Mugen clamped his lips together and shook again, treading as quietly as he could in his metal-soled geta. Unlike Jin, he wasn't very good at being stealthy. Jin slunk along the wall like a shadow. Mugen followed, tie-toeing ridiculously and twitching periodically.

"You stay here. I'm going to go investigate," whispered Jin, pulling Mugen into a small alcove. "If anyone comes by, for heavens' sake, don't call attention to yourself. Pretend you're a statue or something.

"A—_hic_—statue?" said Mugen. He raised his eyebrows.

"Or something!" hissed Jin. With that, he turned and swept away, following Momo.

_Stupid Jin_, thought Mugen while he stood in the alcove. _Leaving me this stupid dusty warehouse. What a freak._

He looked around, bored. The warehouse had narrow halls with low ceilings. It was very dusty and very dark, because there were no windows. The doors were mostly closed, and drifts of trash heaped against them implied they hadn't been opened in some time. There were occasional, arched alcoves like the one Mugen was in, but most were empty. Except for one across from him, which held a very interesting suit of armor.

Mugen walked over to it and gave it an experimental tap. It went _ding_. He tapped it harder. It went _clang. _He looked around anxiously, but the hallway was deserted.

Mugen reached up and gave the armor a good, sharp tap on the head. The entire body crumbled to the ground in a massive, echoing crash. Mugen cringed as he listened to the resounding noise ring through the entire warehouse.

There was a moment of silence.

"Phew," said Mugen. The only thing the armor had upset was, apparently, the dust. Speaking of which… "Ah…ah…" Mugen scrunched up his nose, hiccupped and then said, "_Ach-CHOO!"_

Instantly, six people appeared.

"Did you hear that?" yelled one.

"Yeah, someone sneezed!"

The guards turned around, swords held up smartly, searching. Mugen had returned to his alcove and was wondering, desperately, what to do. His body shook with hiccups. The guards were approaching… if they passed the alcove, they'd see him…

He sat down, crossed his legs, put his hands in his lap, and puffed out his cheeks.

The guards walked by, still looking.

"Hey..." said one of them slowly, stopping and looking straight at Mugen. "Was that Buddha statue there earlier?"

The guard in front of him paused to study Mugen. "Yeah," he said finally. "That old thing has always been there. It's nothing."

"Oh." The guards started to walk away.

"Wait, Botan! Don't forget to rub his tummy for good luck!"

"Oh, right." Botan reached out to rub Mugen's stomach. Mugen's eyes filled with tears. He snorted, and finally squeaked out, "tee, hee."

"Wha—? It's alive!" yelled Botan, jerked back.

"Get him!" yelled three other guards.

"_Hic_!" exclaimed Mugen, drawing his sword. He jumped over a low swing, kicked off the wall, and ran his sword through the stomach of a guard. He jerked away from another swing and twirled around, severing the spinal cord of a second.

"_Hic_—_hic_—_hic_!" he said frantically. His sword met with a crash against another; it flew from his hand. He jumped onto his hands and twisted, kicking three of the guards across their faces with his metal-soled geta, cracking skulls and jaws on impact. He jumped back onto his feet nimbly, grabbed his sword from the ground, and turned to the last guard, Botan.

"But—but Buddha is kind and gentle!" said Botan quaveringly.

"I'm not—_hic_—Buddha, you moron," said Mugen. He slit Botan's throat, wiped his sword on his jacket's sleeve, sheathed the sword, and began dragging bodies under their arms, forming a heap in the alcove.

He'd just finished when Jin returned. He leaned against the wall nonchalantly, examining his nails and trying to look cool, even though he was hiccupping quietly.

"Mugen!" hissed Jin. "Why is there a stack of dead bodies there?" He pointed.

"Those? Those were—_hic_—there when we got here. _Hic_. Remember?" asked Mugen with wide-eyed innocence.

"I told you not to start anything!" snapped Jin. "Why do you always have to start something? You're hopeless!"

"_Hic_—_hic_—_hic_—jerk," Mugen managed to gasp out. He swallowed a few hiccups and asked, "Did you—_hic_—find anything?"

"I discovered quite a lot, actually," said Jin primly. "Fuu is being held upstairs, and she's not very heavily guarded. Also, I found the kitchen." He held up several empty skewers.

"Aww, _hic_, man! You ate without me?"

"Shrimp," confirmed Jin.

"And you didn't—_hic_—get me any?" whined Mugen.

"I'll admit, it was a little _shellfish_," said Jin.

Crickets chirped. Momo slapped her forehead and groaned.

"Just show me where Fuu is so we can get out of here."

Jin and Momo led the way through several sharp turns, kicking up dust everywhere they went. They went up a dark, steep stairwell and came to a narrow hall. They walked about halfway down it before they heard footsteps. They ducked into a doorway and watched more people passing through a crack.

"_Hic_," murmured Mugen. Jin gave him a harsh warning glare and hissed, "Quiet!"

Mugen put a hand over his mouth, but another hiccup escaped. The two guards stopped.

"You hear something?"

"I think so…"

Jin clamped his hands over Mugen's. The two knelt, frozen. The guards didn't move either.

"It was probably nothing."

"Yeah."

They began walking again. Mugen and Jin both relaxed

"_HIC!_" yelped Mugen.

"It's him!" yelled the two guards, whipping around as Mugen and Jin burst from their hiding place.

"Yeah, it's—_hic_—me, alright!" exclaimed Mugen, twitching as he drew his sword.

"What's wrong with you?"

"I have the—_hic_—I have the—_hic_—I have—_hic_—hic—_hic_—hic—_hic_—Jin!"

"He has hiccups," said Jin calmly.

The two guards exchanged looks, then charged.

"You can't—_hic_—touch me, you freakin'—_hic_—_hic_—_hic_!" yelled Mugen, darting away from the sword that flashed at him, only inches from cutting his flesh. Momo scrambled up the leg of Jin's guard and laid her furry body firmly over his eyes. The guard yelled and staggered; Jin ran his sword through his midsection, and then turned to helped Mugen, who was hiccupping so hard that his aim was rather off.

"I didn't—_hic_—need your—_hic_—help," said Mugen grudgingly, after Jin slashed the man across the chest and split open his head like a melon.

"Of course not," said Jin soothingly.

"Yeep," said Momo, gesturing frantically toward a door to their left. Mugen and Jin both turned toward it, then looked at each other.

"Well… this is—_hic_—it."

"Wait," said Jin. "There's people in there. Lots of people." He lowered his voice. "I've formulated a plan."

"Oh, no… _hic_."

"I'll cause a distraction and draw them away. You go in, untie Fuu, and escape."

"Why can't I—_hic_—create the distract—_hic_—tion?" asked Mugen.

"Because you have hiccups."

"Stupid hiccups."

"Just wait here. Pretend you're a statue again or something." With that, Jin swept away. Mugen stood against the wall, shifting feet uncomfortably.

"So… Momo… how 'bout them—_hic_—Dolphins?"

"Yee," said Momo, shrugging.

There was a shout and a lot of crashing from downstairs. The door behind which Fuu was tied up flew open and a stream of people poured out. Mugen sat still and waited for them to pass.

"Hey… look… it's Buddha!" exclaimed one, pointing. He reached for Mugen's stomach.

Mugen snatched his hand. "Rub my—_hic_—stomach, and you can forget—_hic_—about ever achieving nirvana!" he warned. He let go and froze again.

The guard gaped and looked around. "Hey… did anyone else…?" He shook his head and hurried after the rest, looking confused.

Mugen jumped up and ran into the room. Fuu was sitting tied up in the middle of it, a bag over her head. Mugen ran over and yanked the bag from her head.

"Oh, Jin—" she began. Then she jerked back in surprise. "_You_?"

"Oh, shut up!" griped Mugen. "_Hic_. The pretty-boy is downstairs, creating—_hic_—a distraction." He tugged at the knots binding Fuu's wrists. The ropes fell to the floor; he yanked her to her feet roughly and began dragging her across the room. Momo disappeared into her kimono once more.

"Hurry—_hic_—up!" he said, pushing her down the hall.

"I'm going, I'm going!" she said anxiously. "Mugen, it's a trap! They wanted you to come here! There are two, Akio and Asa, they want revenge—"

"Oh, yeah," mused Mugen. "He's the guy who hated my Spice Girls ring tone

"Um, Mugen, why…?"

"Never—_hic_—mind! We've got to help Jin!" They raced down the hall, where they could hear loud sounds coming from a door at the end.

Just as they reached it, they heard a loud murmur of angry voices, rising like a wave.

"Oh, no! We're too late!" cried Fuu. Mugen grabbed the handle and yanked open the door. His and Fuu's mouths dropped open at what they saw…

* * *

(Author's Note: Don't you just HATE cliff-hangers? I sure do. But it was getting long. Leave reviews and I'll post the last chapter up. Mua-ha-ha.) 


	7. The Great Escape from Mazeworld

(Author's Note: A long chapter. I'm sorry it had to end so soon. Maybe I'll do some follow-ups on this… "Mugen Gets Gas" or something of the like.

To Far Strider: Your review made me laugh. Do you REALLY think I'm THAT predictable? Ugh! I considered having Jin amuse people with stand-up comedy for about _two seconds_ before I got sick with myself and realized what a TERRIBLE formulaic approach that was. Instead I tried something a bit weirder. I hope it worked. XD )

CHAPTER SEVEN

They expected to see Jin slashing like a madman in the midst of dozens of people: a dramatic scene of heroism and adversity and courage and conviction against the odds!

Instead, they saw several dozen people standing around looking puzzled.

"What's going on?" whispered Fuu. She didn't want to call attention to them, yet didn't want to leave without Jin.

"I don't—_hic_—know," whispered Mugen back.

"I can't believe this! Duped by the oldest trick in the book!" said one of the guards. He was waving something around. Fuu squinted. It looked a lot like… but no, it couldn't be…

There was another wave of sounds: people screaming and swords clanging and indistinct shouts and murmurs and crashing. It was a battle, exactly like the one Fuu and Mugen had heard. But no one was fighting. They were all just… standing there.

Fuu had to clamp her hands over her mouth to keep from laughing. "It's a tape recorder!" she whispered. "Jin left a tape recorder out and they followed the sound. That's brilliant!"

Mugen scowled. "He's not so—_hic_—smart."

"Come on," whispered Fuu. "Let's go before they notice us."

"I can't believe we fell for the tape recorder trick!" griped the guard.

"Well, it's not our fault, chief," said a man with a scar down his face. "We weren't expecting it. After all, there's no tape recorders in feudal Japan."

"That's true," agreed the leader. "But still… we should have known they'd try something like this. We all know Mugen is shrewd." He tapped his head.

Mugen stopped, mid-way through closing the door. He grabbed Fuu's sleeve and pulled her back.

"Mugen!" she hissed. "We have to find the real Jin!"

"Oh, yeah, I'm not saying Mugen's not smart," drawled the other man. "But—"

There was a slashing sound of steel grating on bone, followed by screams of, "my arm, my arm!"

"Anyone know how to turn this off?"

"No!" chorused all the guards in unison.

"Mugen, come _on_!" whispered Fuu urgently. She knew the longer they stood there in the doorway, the more likely the guards would turn away from the tape recorder and see them.

"But I—_hic_—know all these people!" whispered Mugen excitedly. "And they're—_hic_—saying I'm smart!"

"They want to _kill you_!"

"Boy, I sure can't wait to kill Mugen," said one of the guards, banging the tape recorder on the heel of his hand, trying to dislodge the batteries.

"Oh, yeah, I can't wait either. Remember that time his phone went off at the movies?"

"That was awful!"

"AAAA—" screamed the tape. There was a series of sword-swishing sounds, a sudden pause, and then Jin's monotone voice: "Please turn tape over to side B."

"Oh… I guess it stopped itself," said the leader. "We better go back to our posts, then."

"Aw, that girl isn't going anywhere. She's all tied up."

"You imbecile, Mugen is in this building right now looking for her! We can't afford to leave her all—"

"_I'm a survivor… I'm not gon' give up…"_

Every head in the immediate vicinity, including Fuu's, turned to stare at Mugen.

His pants were singing.

"_Hic_," he said apologetically, fishing into the pocket of his shorts while the music continued to play ("_If I surround myself… with positive things… I'll gain pros-per-i-teee…"_). He pulled out a cell phone and answered it, while the guards' faces knotted into expressions of deepest loathing. "Hello? _Hic_? If this is MCI, I don't—_hic_—want your stupid—_hic_—long-distance plan… oh. Hi, _hic_, Jin. Where are—_hic_—you? Oh. _Hic_. Me and Fuu are—_hic_—in a room with—_hic_—about twenty-five—_hic_—people. Yeah. We—_hic_—followed the sound—_hic_—because we thought—_hic_—you were in trouble. …no, I don't—_hic_—care about you. _Hic_. No! Look, I didn't know—_hic_—it was a dupe! …I _know_ you said it was—_hic_—a distract—_hic_—a distraction, but I thought—_hic_—you'd actually be—_hic_—doing something instead of—_hic_—hey! Don't yell at me!"

He covered the mouthpiece. "Fuu, do you wanna—_hic_—say hi to—_hic_—Jin?"

She stared at him in disbelief. "Mugen, there's like fifty people who want to kill you for being a jerk. And you're being a jerk right now."

He sighed and rolled his eyes. "Hello, Jin? _Hic_. I can't really talk. _Hic_. I'm using my—_hic_—anytime minutes. And I think—_hic_—I'm roaming."

"No, no, Mugen. You're not roaming. _I'm _ronin," came Jin's voice from the phone. Fuu heard him laughing at the horrible pun when Mugen hung up.

Fuu buried her face in her hands. Every man in the room drew his sword. Mugen pulled his own.

"Mugen, for pete's sake, you're being stupid. You can't take them all on."

"Oh, yeah?" began Mugen.

"Yeah!" yelled Fuu. Fed up, she grabbed the collar of his jacket and dragged him from the room. The second they'd stepped into the hall, she let go of him and began running. Mugen ran after her grudgingly, his sword still with him, their enemies in hot pursuit.

"Where's…Jin?" panted Fuu, skidding to a stop and running down another corridor.

"He said—_hic_—he's in—_hic_—the basement—_hic_—in the second —_hic_—room—_hic_—on the right!"

"Then let's take that door," she said, pointing to a door labeled "BASEMENT."

"Sort of—_hic_—convenient how that just—_hic_—appeared out of nowhere," said Mugen thoughtfully.

"Yeah… it wasn't there before… well, never mind. It advances the plot." Fuu wrenched open the door labeled "BASEMENT" and went running down the steep, dark stairs. Mugen didn't bother; he jumped onto the handrail and slid down it, wobbling like an amateur surfer.

"Go! Go!" gasped Fuu, hearing the thundering footsteps of people coming after them on the stairs. She yanked open a door; several mops fell onto her head. She shrieked with surprise.

"He said _second_—_hic_—door!" yelled Mugen. He opened the door after Fuu's. A man jumped out at him with a "ha!" of triumph. Mugen squealed and slashed him across the face, tossing him back in and slamming the door shut.

"On the _right_!" yelled Fuu.

They opened the right door and tumbled in on top of each other, kicking it closed from their heap on the floor.

Jin was leaning against the wall in a chair, warming his feet by a small fire, seemingly unconcerned with the dark sliminess of his surroundings. He licked a finger and turned the page of the book he was reading.

"Hello."

"_Jin_!" hissed Fuu. "You've been down here reading a joke book while Mugen and I almost got killed because you didn't tell us your 'battle' was actually on a _tape_ and we followed it and then you called Mugen's cell phone and called attention to us and we nearly got _killed_?"

"Sorry," said Jin with a shrug. He pushed up his glasses and rubbed his face with a sleepy yawn. "I also learned to juggle. Watch." He hummed drowsily while he juggled his swords. "Dee-dee, deedeedeedeedee, dee-dee, dee-dee…"

"Jin! You'll put an eye out! And this isn't the time for jokes!"

"Sure it is. What did the Buddhist monk say to the hotdog vendor?"

"_Jin_!"

"Come on... guess…"

Fuu grabbed his arm to stop his juggling and dragged him toward the door. She peeked through a crack in the wood. "As soon as it's clear, we've got to escape."

"Guess!" insisted Jin.

"I don't know, Jin…"

"'Make me one with everything.' Get it?"

Fuu groaned. She grabbed Mugen and Jin's arms, kicked open the door, and went hurrying quietly up the stairs.

"Let's just find a window or a door or something, before one of those people finds us," she whispered. "I think most of them are in the basement, still looking, so unless one of us calls attention to ourselves, we should be completely—"

"_HIC_," said Mugen.

"HE'S UPSTAIRS!" shouted all the men in the basement. There was a stampede for the stairs.

"Crap," said Fuu.

"GET THEM!" came the cry from downstairs. The three turned and ran again as a swarm of people came over the top of the stairs and surged toward them.

"SPLIT UP!" yelled Fuu.

She, Jin, and Mugen took separate doors and slammed them shut just as Akio and Asa hurried into the hall.

Akio pointed to one door, then another. Asa nodded and smiled.

Akio yanked open his door; Asa yanked opened another; both disappeared.

Jin came out Mugen's door. "Mine just led into a passageway, I don't know about… hello?"

He opened Fuu's door and walked in as Asa came out Akio's. He paused and scratched his head, then tried Mugen's door. Mugen and Fuu both poked their heads out opposite doors.

"Mugen?"

"Fuu?"

"Jin?" said Jin.

"This place is like a stupid maze," grumbled Fuu. She closed her door. Jin crossed the hall and opened it, only to find Akio.

"Eek!" they both yelled, slashing with their swords and slamming the door shut. Asa poked his head out.

"I heard a yell?"

"What?" asked Fuu. "Oh!" She slammed the door shut. Asa hurried after her. Fuu came out Mugen's door, with Mugen in tow.

"Qu—_hic_—ick! In here!" said Mugen urgently, opening a fourth door.

"I'm not going in there with you!" she cried.

"Shut up, _hic_, Fuu!" He grabbed her and the two disappeared as Akio came out the same door he'd just gone in. Asa came out the door next to his.

"_Why_ did we decide to put our secret ex-pirate headquarters here again?" asked Akio.

"Beats me," said Asa. "We lost like five people last week."

"Didn't we send a search party?"

"They never returned," said Asa gravely, hanging his (or her) head.

"Hmm."

Both of their heads turned as the sound of moaning from Fuu and Mugen's most recent door.

Akio smiled and pulled his sword. "I'll get them. You go after the third one."

Asa nodded and tried another door. Akio jumped into Fuu and Mugen's door, slamming it quickly behind him.

Jin came out Asa's door. "Hello? Fuu? Mugen?"

"Right—_hic—_here," said Mugen. Both heads turned toward Mugen and Fuu's door, where the moaning was coming from. "Wait. If I'm—_hic_—out here… and she's—_hic_—in there…?"

Jin pulled open the door. "Eww. Fuu!"

"What the—!" cried Akio and Fuu at the same time, jerking away and staring at each other in horror. "You're not Jin!"

"That's Jin's cue to exit," said Jin. "Good-bye." He swept back down the hall.

"Gross," grumbled Mugen with a hiccup. He slammed the door shut on Fuu.

"Wait! Wait!" squealed Fuu, squeezing out through the door and managing to slam it on Akio's fingers. "Where'd Jin go?"

"He went—_hic_—back that way." Mugen pointed, just as Jin, trailing at least nine people, came scurrying back toward them.

"Other way! Other way!" he yelled. Mugen and Fuu both sprinted away, followed by Jin and the mob.

Asa came out Fuu's door. "That one just led to a bathroom—" His (or her) eyes widened at the advancing mob, which promptly flattened him (or her).

"HEY!" yelled Akio, pounding from inside his door. "LET ME OUT OF HERE!"

The ex-pirates were too excited to obey their leader. They ran after their prey, waving their blades.

Fuu glanced behind her and wished she hadn't. There must have been a _million _of them, and they were advancing. Jin was just barely ahead of them… any moment now they'd get him…

Jin disappeared in the crowd. Fuu turned away, lowering her head as she ran. Then she realized he'd somehow reappeared by her side.

"How'd… you… catch… up?" she panted, gathering up her kimono as they hurried up a flight of stairs.

"Shut up. It advances the plot," said Jin.

"Hey! That's my line!"

"SHUT UP AND—_hic—_RUUUN!" yelled Mugen.

Following his advice, they wound their way through the dusty, maze-like building. Jin wrenched open a door, saw a guard, slashed his face, and slammed the door. "Wrong door!"

Fuu yanked open the one across the hall, saw a guard, and slammed it shut. A fraction of a second later they heard a dull "thud" from the outside, like a sword hitting the wood where Fuu's head had been. "Wrong door again! God, I _hate_ this place!"

Mugen yanked opened a door. "CLEAR!" he barked. The three tumbled in and slammed it behind them.

It was empty except for a chair in the middle and some ropes lying around.

"You imbeciles! You took me back to the exact same place where we started!" yelled Fuu. "Some rescuers _you_ are!" She whipped around and pointed to Mugen. "I had no idea you had so many enemies!"

"Yeah…_ hic… _well… they're probably just—_hic_—jealous of my—_hic_—good looks."

"Window," said Jin, ignoring their bickering.

"There's no window, Jin."

"Yes, there is." Jin strode over to the wall and yanked up a shade. It had been so dusty, it hadn't looked like a window at all; it had blended it perfectly with the rest of the wall. When it flapped up, a cloud of dust filled the room. They all coughed and blinked in the sudden sunlight, while ex-pirates banged on the door, trying to get in.

"Ladies—_hic_—first!" said Mugen.

"_What_!" shrieked Fuu, looking out the window and seeing how far down it was.

"I was talking—_hic_—to Jin."

Jin scowled. "When we're on the ground again, I'll kill you," he promised, before springing onto the windowsill and jumping out.

Mugen jumped after him.

Fuu hesitated, and then followed.

"_Umph, hic_," said Mugen, landing on Jin.

"_Oomph_," said Fuu, landing on Mugen.

"Ow," said Jin, who had been flattened into the ground like a pancake.

They untangled themselves and went pelting across the field. Faces appeared in the window, but none of the people shouting at them were willing to risk the jump; they disappeared again, to take the long way down. By then, though, Jin, Mugen, and Fuu had cut through the city and were back on the road, laughing and cheering and congratulating each other.

"Woo—_hic_—hoo!" Mugen applauded himself. "That was—_hic_—great! It takes more than—_hic_—a crazy building—_hic_—and a lame trap—_hic_—to get me!"

"We escaped!" said Jin. "This calls for a joke…"

"No! _Hic_! No! Anything but—_hic_—that!"

"Why don't Buddhists vacuum in corners? Because they don't have any _attachments_."

Mugen ran a hand over his face, groaning and hiccupping.

"You saved me!" cried Fuu gratefully. "You came to rescue me! You actually saved me! I thought you were a selfish pig but—oh, Mugen, you really care!" She stood on the tip-toe of one foot, threw an arm swiftly around his neck, and pecked him of the cheek. Mugen turned deep red. Jin froze and his jaw dropped.

"Erm…" Fuu pulled away, embarrassed. "I'm sorry."

Mugen reached up and gingerly touched the place where she'd kissed him, looking shocked. "Hey… Fuu… look. Don't get any crazy ideas. I didn't _want_ to rescue you. I just… you know… had to. I don't think you're hot or anything," he said awkwardly.

"No, of course you—Mugen!"

"What?"

"Your hiccups! They're gone!"

"Huh?" Mugen cocked his head and waited a moment, but no hiccups came. His face broke into a wide smile. He laughed.

"You're right! I don't have the hiccups anymore! Fuu, you…" He grinned to express his gratitude. "You did it! Man, that's insane." He laughed again. "And look… you completely messed Jin up!"

Fuu giggled as well; Jin was still standing there with his mouth hanging open. "I'm sorry Jin. I was just really happy to be saved…"

"Yo, Jin, snap out of it!" said Mugen, clicking his fingers in front of Jin's face. "Talk to us, man!"

"Jin! Say something!" cried Fuu.

"_Hic_," said Jin.

THE END


End file.
